Recently I had the privilege to be invited to speak with Pastor Jay Holland of Covenant Fellowship Church about parenting teens. Jay seeks to provide parents with resources and direction on topics relevant to raising kids in today’s culture.
In our time on the podcast we were able to discuss the contents of my book Raising Teens in a Hyper-Sexualized World. We explored the reality that at this stage of parenting, our kids need us more than ever. Our roles do change but we are needed in their lives.
Raising teens can be a wearisome season for parents. That is why we wanted to take some time to bring encouragement and help on the very challenging subject that all teens face. How to best parent in a world bombarded with sex is no easy task but it is not impossible. Trusting the Lord to help you be as prepared as possible will give you the courage to face some of the most challenging conversations.
It was our hope that this podcast be useful as you continue to faithfully parent your children. Take a listen!
Have unwanted graphic texts, violent video games, pornography, cyber bullying, sexting, or screen addition been a concern for you as a parent raising children in this cyber age?
These name only a few of the concerning vices that our screen-saturated world has brought about. Parents can feel lost in the digital landscape where their children are the technological experts and mom and dad struggle just to keep up. But keeping your child screen-free is about as realistic as keeping them from outgrowing their clothes.
If it isn’t already your reality, eventually your child will one day have that tell-tail rectangular pattern lining their jean’s pocket. Most parents are dependent on their child having a phone of some type in order to keep up with one another in a full and fast pace life. Despite the discouraging engagement that a world of devices can bring, the question to ask is this; Are screens really the problem?
Is the solution to avoid giving your child technology? Most parents have already found that is an unrealistic option. Screens enter children’s lives at the earliest ages. Pediatrician’s offices have screens in their waiting room to help the children pass the time. Libraries rent colorful tablets that are preloaded with books and games for preschoolers. Schools begin using iPads at the elementary level and many students will be assigned a device at the start of a school year.
Parents fighting for screen-free space in their family can wrongly vilify the device as the problem. But if the screen is not the problem what is? In Raising Kids in a Screen-Saturated World, parents will find practical answers to this tension. Consider the following:
“We are not fighting against technology. Phones, tablets, laptops, etc., are amoral. They are tools that can be used for good or evil. Don’t over- spiritualize activities because they either include or exclude a screen. Certainly there are times where living a life pleasing to the Lord will mean the intentional absence of screens but keep in mind that the screen is not the enemy. The frailty of weak and wandering hearts turns a potentially helpful tool into an instrument of destruction. In a world so profoundly dependent on technology, the answer is not to label devices as the problem and avoid them. Rather, reflect on what technology is revealing about what is in your heart and your children’s heart.”
This approach deals with the deeper issue. Conversations must be about what is driving screen activity is more important. What is motivating what they consume, produce, and promote online is ultimately where the problem lies. The screen simply gives a platform for the heart.
Recognizing that technology or screens are not the root problem will create a avenue to see the potential positive use that screens can bring into your child’s world. Rather than focusing on the screen consider how to better understand what is drawing your child and begin to have conversations there.
Writing for me is a bit like cooking. Sometimes I have clear intentions about what I want to cook. I purchase the ingredients and generally follow a recipe. Likewise, in writing, sometimes I have a clear topic, an outline, and a destination in mind.
But most often I cook, and write, from what I have gathered. Most of my meals come from my storehouses (aka the pantry or refrigerator) and I have only a general idea of what the outcome will be.
Writing Raising Teens in a Hyper–Sexualized World was more like that. I never planned to write a book about raising teens. But through my own experience of raising teens and counseling parents through the teen years I had gathered a good amount in my storehouses (books, workshops, and wisdom from fellow parents) and I decided to pull together these things and write a short book covering a topic that all parents raising teens face.
From the first time they begin to recognize their body to the later years of coming of age, sex is something that parents can feel unsure of what to do with. While the book is focused on teens, the subject of sex will come up throughout all stages of parenting. Most people who have read Raising Teens have said they wish they’d read it earlier in their parenting.
Parents need practical help for the here and now. That is the focus of this book. What does it look like to parent well with the issue of sex? The book succinctly describes 7 things parents should not do when interacting with their teens on the subject of sex. However, each “don’t” is coupled with redemptive “do’s” to help parents find hope in the midst of possible mistakes.
It was my goal to write something that was brief enough for any parent to get through.
Let’s face it, parenting is a life full of hustling and juggling to fit everything in. Reading a book may be helpful, but it is challenging to find the time.
An important reminder comes right at the beginning of the book:
“It is my hope that this small book will help parents, who are raising teens, to engage more effectively on this topic. There is no easy way to approach the teen years and all of the challenges they bring. Listing several tips will not make navigating this subject easier. Yet my desire is that the guidance here will give you direction where you may feel lost, and encouragement where you may feel defeated.”
I am not a chef but I hope that my cooking isn’t too bad. Sometimes I should follow that recipe a little closer, but other times I just cook and things come together. I am not an expert on raising teens. I have made my share of mistakes, but this little book is a joining together of experience and expertise that I have gathered along my own journey. It is my hope that it will be helpful and even nourishing to parents as they seek to walk well with their teens.
I never meant to write a book on raising teens. I don’t claim to have the corner on how to do it right nor do I claim to have all the answers. In fact if I was tasked to write on anything I completely grasped or mastered the book would basically have a front and back cover. I am a work in progress and I suppose most reading this would say the same of themselves. Probably my favorite lines in this small book are, “There are no perfect parents. There are no perfect teens. And there are no perfect parenting books!” So why write a book about teens then? And more specifically about teens and sex?
To say it simply, because it is needed.
There are many books on talking to your kids about sex but many of them are things to do to prepare for a conversation. You know that awkward conversation? The one that you dread having and then once you have it you hope to never have it again. This is not that kind of book. This book explores how to respond to your teen when you are faced with the reality that they may know more than you thought and possibly be engaging in more than you hoped. The pages contain situations and stories that come from many years of counseling parents who desperately want to respond well to their teens. Leaning on the wisdom of Scripture as well as faithful authors who have more extensive experience than myself helped me to compile what I hope will be helpful tips for parents of teens.They are tips to help keep the conversations going.
Teens today are being bombarded with sexual content and images making it difficult for even the most engaged parents to keep up with. It can feel you feeling exhausted and defeated before you even get a chance to really try and engage them. This book is for parents who are trying to keep up but also for parents who may find themselves feeling behind in this face paced hyper-sexualized world.
The tips given in this book are things to avoid but they are also coupled with positive affirmations of hope for how God can use even the mistakes as opportunities to go deeper with your teen and create an environment that lends toward further conversation.
The book is short enough that even the busiest parents can get through it. The counsel is concise and practical. It is my hope and prayer that parents will come away from reading this with a hopeful outlook, knowing that God is at work in both them and their teen and that they can be a voice in their teenager’s life that influences and guides them towards a life that honors the Lord in the midst of an alluring world.
Raising Teens in a Hyper-Sexualized World is available at 10ofthose.us (<-best price for bulk orders) and Amazon.com