A Needed Book

book-coverI never meant to write a book on raising teens. I don’t claim to have the corner on how to do it right nor do I claim to have all the answers. In fact if I was tasked to write on anything I completely grasped or mastered the book would basically have a front and back cover. I am a work in progress and I suppose most reading this would say the same of themselves. Probably my favorite lines in this small book are, “There are no perfect parents. There are no perfect teens. And there are no perfect parenting books!” So why write a book about teens then? And more specifically about teens and sex?

To say it simply, because it is needed.

There are many books on talking to your kids about sex but many of them are things to do to prepare for a conversation. You know that awkward conversation? The one that you dread having and then once you have it you hope to never have it again. This is not that kind of book. This book explores how to respond to your teen when you are faced with the reality that they may know more than you thought and possibly be engaging in more than you hoped. The pages contain situations and stories that come from many years of counseling parents who desperately want to respond well to their teens. Leaning on the wisdom of Scripture as well as faithful authors who have more extensive experience than myself helped me to compile what I hope will be helpful tips for parents of teens.They are tips to help keep the conversations going.

Teens today are being bombarded with sexual content and images making it difficult for even the most engaged parents to keep up with. It can feel you feeling exhausted and defeated before you even get a chance to really try and engage them. This book is for parents who are trying to keep up but also for parents who may find themselves feeling behind in this face paced hyper-sexualized world.

The tips given in this book are things to avoid but they are also coupled with positive affirmations of hope for how God can use even the mistakes as opportunities to go deeper with your teen and create an environment that lends toward further conversation.

The book is short enough that even the busiest parents can get through it. The counsel is concise and practical. It is my hope and prayer that parents will come away from reading this with a hopeful outlook, knowing that God is at work in both them and their teen and that they can be a voice in their teenager’s life that influences and guides them towards a life that honors the Lord in the midst of an alluring world.

Raising Teens in a Hyper-Sexualized World is available at 10ofthose.us (<-best price for bulk orders) and Amazon.com

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Incarnating in Conflict

(This post first appeared on the Biblical Counseling Coalition)
Incarnating means putting something into flesh. Jesus was God incarnate. God put on human flesh or, another way to say it, he was clothed in humanity. In a similar way, as believers, we are called to incarnate Jesus. We are to be clothed in Christ (Romans 13:14). And indeed we are (Galatians 3:27). As believers our lives become testimonies of this truth. Jesus clothes us in His righteousness. This truth means we are called to resist putting back on the filthy rags of self-righteousness and self-sufficiency. Being filled with the Spirit of Christ means we give great attention to the commands the Lord left for us regarding how to interact with people. As we seek to fulfill the first and greatest commandment to love God (Matthew 22:38-39), we are simultaneously called to love others like Jesus loved (John 15:12).

So how do we do this, especially when things are particularly challenging in our relationships? When things heat up how can we incarnate Christ in our conflict?

Show Instead of Tell

Inside each of us is a little lawyer’s voice. Sometimes the voice is small, just little whispers or tiny thoughts. There might be thoughts of how you have done far more diaper changes than your spouse. Reminders that you are always the one initiating the phone call or text message in a particular friendship. Little whispers of how you always apologize first and how you folded the laundry without being asked last week. Often the little lawyer voice gets louder in conflict.

Jon’s wife was upset because she felt he cared more about his golf swing than about her. Jon’s little lawyer voice began flooding him with reminders of how much he has sacrificed for her. Bob and Jane listened to their teenaged son complain that he can never please them and that they never encourage him. Simultaneously Bob and Jane’s little lawyers brought out evidence as recent as that very week proving they had encouraged him. Paul Tripp speaks of this little lawyer voice and how harmful it is in marriage relationships, “I tell husbands and wives around the world that if they want to experience lasting change in their marriage, they first need to fire their inner defense lawyer.”1The truth is no matter what relationship you are in, the little lawyer voice needs to go.

Incarnating Christ means you avoid defending your love and instead demonstrate it. The moment your love is challenged don’t defend it—display it. (John 11:32), or the question from the disciples, “Lord don’t you care that we are perishing” (Mark 4:38), he did not defend himself, but instead he displayed it by raising Lazarus back to life and calming the sea. He showed his love; he did not defend it.

Ask Instead of State

Asking questions is probably one of the best ways we can incarnate Jesus. Jesus was the master questioner. His questions were explorations of the heart of a person. Asking questions opens conversations; making statements closes them. (Avoiding Assumacide”2 says that honoring others with questions rather than assumptions allows intimacy to have a chance.

When Jeff’s roommate shared with him that he had once again fallen to the temptation of pornography, Jeff stated, “If you wanted to stop you would stop.” The statement not only led his friend to feel even deeper shame, but also made him less inclined to share with Jeff again. Asking a question in this situation would have allowed Jeff to learn more about his friend and his struggle and perhaps open the opportunity for Jeff to walk with him.

Hope Instead of Despair

In order to incarnate Christ in conflict, we must lean fully on him. Demonstrating love and asking questions are just two ways to incarnate Christ. Conflicts are full of challenges, and even when we seek to incarnate Jesus there may still be difficulties.  We fail in our attempts and can become discouraged. Yet, the Lord is merciful and forgiving and often provides more opportunity to incarnate His grace and love. He is committed to the good work He started in us.

Join the Conversations

Each one of us has had difficult times in relationships. Perhaps even now you are facing a challenge. What are some other ways you have found we can incarnate Jesus in your relationships?

Notes

  1. This quote came from: http://www.paultripp.com/articles/posts/were-not-independent.
  2. See http://biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2016/06/22/avoiding-assumicide/

Considering Counseling?

Do I Need Counseling?

Frequently friends ask me this question: “How do I know if I need counseling?” The truth is, we receive counseling every day as we interact in relationships; however, it can be difficult to know when to seek formal counseling.

For some people counseling is viewed in the same way as going to a doctor; the final step toward getting help for a problem. These are the people who avoid going to the doctor until there is something seriously wrong. They’ve tried the home remedies and over-the-counter treatments. Things do not seem to be getting better. More than likely things are actually getting worse. Seeking counseling can feel similar to this. There can even be a sense of failure attached to it—a line of thinking that says, “Something is wrong with you.”

Perhaps a better way to approach counseling would be to view it like the “well-checks” that children go through while growing, or the routine physical, or maybe even the yearly recommended flu shot. While raising my children, I found they went to the doctor more often when they were healthy than when they were sick. They had to receive check-ups and immunizations to insure their proper development and prevent harmful illnesses. I never thought there was reason for concern in attending these appointments. They were considered precautionary measures.

Counseling can be viewed this way also. It’s true; most people don’t seek counsel when things are going trouble-free in their lives. However, looking for counseling doesn’t have to only be an option when in the middle of a major crisis.

Our circumstances, big or small, often are so up close and personal that we can be either overwhelmed or blinded by them. Counseling allows a new set of eyes to look in on what’s happening in your life; eyes that are not biased to parties involved, or emotionally connected to the situation.  Counseling provides eyes that can objectively observe with better clarity.

What Should I Expect from Counseling?

Once you have decided to seek counseling, the next question you need to wrestle with, both privately and with your counselor, is what to expect. People bring expectations to nearly every situation and counseling is no exception.

While there are some aspects of counseling that can be clearly defined; cost, length of session, appointment regularity, etc., there are others that need clarification. If you are seeking formal counseling, you should have at least a general idea of the areas on which you want to focus.  When you seek counsel, be ready to discuss the presenting issue. What is bringing you in for counseling?  With that said, don’t be surprised if that changes. Often what seems to be the “big issue” is only masking other things that are left untouched or tucked away. Often we need the insight of others to carefully take us to things we may otherwise avoid.

What do you expect from your counselor? Perhaps taking the question from a different angle would be more helpful. How about what not to expect? One thing you should definitely not expect is for your counselor to fix things for you. Personal struggles and relational issues are not something to be fixed like an appliance, nor are they problems to solve like a word puzzle.

Always remember, you are dealing with a person (whether it is yourself or another person you are struggling with). We are not called to fix people; we are called to love them. Counseling always deals with people and relationships. A good counselor will help you see that people are not problems to be solved.

When Does Counseling End?

While regular counseling can taper down and even have a closing to it, try viewing counseling like building a house. When you are in the building stage, you spend a lot of time focusing on the plans and even go into significant detail on how you want things to progress. You spend a lot of time talking to designers and contractors. They are your guides through the entire project.

However, once the house is complete you cannot assume you will never need an electrician, plumber, or handyman to ever darken your doorway again. General maintenance is essential to keeping the home in good condition. Neglecting issues only leads to bigger, more costly problems.

The same can be said of counseling. If you have invested in building the foundation in personal growth or relational harmony, then recognize that it is wise to address issues as they arise. This does not mean you run to counseling with every bump in the road; however, it does mean you don’t have to wait until things are falling apart to check back in for some insight or direction.

Hopefully this helps you view counseling with less of the stigma of “something is wrong,” but instead with hopeful encouragement.

(This post was originally posted on the Biblical Counseling Coalition as Three Questions Asked About Getting Biblical Counseling.)